It seems fitting that September would be Suicide Awareness/Prevention month. It’s the beginning of the end for us Seasonal Depressives. It’s a bittersweet symphony of gorgeous death.

The Summer has cooled down quickly (more so these days with global warming) and the first sign of an orange leaf means the inevitable brown decay is only a few months away.

I love the Summer for it’s rich warm days in sundresses and crisping at the beach. I hate wearing shoes and because of that, I get to receive more life giving energy from the ground I travel on barefoot.

Fall is beautiful though. Cozy, because the sun still shines most days and you can wear t-shirts but best to start wearing those dreaded socks and shoes. The smells of autumn with cinnamons and fried doughs at town fairs fill the air.

Halloween is my favorite holiday although some find it blasphemous. I say, why pretend this is the only Pagan holiday when Catholicism borrowed all the rest and made them “holy”? Autumn and Winter Solstice ring a bell?

Why draw attention to suicide now? Well, in the midst of pumpkin spice lattes and knee high boots, some of us struggle to stay present knowing the short, dark, cold days are just around the corner. The seemingly endless wait for warmth to come back around.

We have the stereotypical Thanksgiving and Christmas anxieties where the meeting of families with different political views and triggering comments seem unavoidable. The stress of having enough money to get everyone a meaningful Christmas present because no matter what they say, Christmas isn’t as much about Jesus as it should be these days. The gift of my presence doesn’t seem to be the invaluable treasure that I could only wish it was.

Driving down the street today I saw a plastic sign by the side of the road that read #stopsuicide. As if a hashtag would make someone put their plan aside and choose joy. People cut and paste paragraphs on their Facebook page to “come to them because they would rather you pick up the phone and call for help then attend your funeral”.

Well it’s not about them and often times, it’s not about you. As someone who struggles with depression and daily life, my view of this world is much different than those who don’t. I have found this again and again over the years in my experience. Those who have not faced death or want to face death just cannot wrap their minds around why anyone would want to take their life and while offering to take a phone call if you’re standing on the ledge is admirable, most times a fifteen minute conversation is not really going to save the day.

I’ve been to this darkness both before I found Jesus and after. I thought it would look different after accepting God as the most important part of my life. Well maybe it looks different but it doesn’t always feel different.

Well meaning Christians would tell me to “choose joy” and remember that Jesus died so that I could live. My life was a gift and to commit suicide was spitting on Jesus’ sacrifice.

My reason for going back to church after a long hiatus was because I was looking for reasons to stay alive; to keep trying to make things work. I wasn’t living for myself. I was living so that I wouldn’t hurt my friends or family. I didn’t want to put them through that trauma and those who posted on Facebook or sent the “are you okay” messages didn’t really want to deal with the intensity that comes with hearing out someone who is in those dark places.

The loneliness that comes with extreme feelings can be crippling. I tried to find comfort in prayer, music and community. For a while this helped- a lot. I was at an evangelical church for 3 years and I loved it there.

Although I was a little Democrat in a big Republican pool, we all got along like a big family. It was the pandemic that changed everything. I learned things about my brothers and sisters that had been laying somewhat dormant until this “critical time came to rise up and stand for everything you believe in”, which oddly enough, did not reflect what I was reading in the same Bible they were.

I ended up leaving, which is it’s own story, and found an affirming UCC church. While their message was exactly what I was looking for, it was a stark contrast to the Jesus and family centered warmth of the evangelicals. It took a lot of getting used to and I tried hard to adapt.

The rituals and elders of the community did not want to embrace anything new. It was a divided body and therefore was always working against itself. Paul would have cried and if he were alive, they would have received one of his strongly worded letters as he remain chained in a cold prison cell.

I ended up leaving that church as well and now I am a dreaded “unchurched” person. Wandering to different houses of God all offering welcome and comfort when I know most times it’s situational to them.

I try to stay on the outskirts and remain nameless but if the church is doing it’s job, I am approached and greeted by people who recognize that I am a timid, new face amongst them. I try not to go to the same place multiple weeks in a row. I don’t want to get drawn into church life, even though I crave it’s familiar comforts. I believe my journey has led me to stay mostly anonymous for a reason for now. I get swallowed up in people and end up losing the connections and the lessons to God.

I want to be spiritually fed with sermons and holy music. It may never feel like it did at the evangelical church and I’m still mourning that. I may never stop mourning it. Soaking in music that penetrated right through my bones and people who were messing up but trying desperately to get it right.

I won’t lie, I’m upset that God has me walking this road alone but it makes sense doesn’t it? The evangelicals gave me the knowledge and the powerful feeling of love from God. My pastor from the United Church of Christ gave me permission to interpret and internalize Gods love in the ways I felt were in my own heart.  Marrying the two concepts together, I’m trying to figure out what God wants from me and my life.

Even Jesus walked alone for some time. For now, I think this part of my journey is one of solitude so that I can strengthen my connection. Try without crutches to walk. Trust the process

And Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” And they called the blind man, saying to him, “Take heart. Get up; he is calling you.”

Mark 10:49

What can we do to help others in a season like this? Be kind without reason. Be kind and mean it. Pay attention to what people are saying- or even not saying. You may not have to hash out their whole issue but usually acts of thoughtfulness help people feel like they matter. Slow down and notice your loved ones. Don’t tell them to come to you in a Facebook post.

“As for you, my son Solomon, know the God of your father, and serve Him with a whole heart and a willing mind; for the Lord searches all hearts, and understands every intent of the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will reject you forever.”

1 Chronicles 28:9