I love contemporary Christian music and I’m not sorry. I listen to thousands of hours of worship music and K-LOVE radio. These are passionate love letters to Jesus. The one thing we are allowed to be obsessed with, so we are.

There are a lot of things that evangelicals do right… hear me out. While I acknowledge that there is also a lot they do wrong as well, I want to take a minute to revisit some things I miss most about my “born again” days.

The number one thing I miss the most is being head over heels, in love with Jesus. When they worship God, they are doing so with their whole hearts. They are intense because they want nothing more than to please Him and feel close to Him. I miss that kind of elation and appreciation over our creator. Our source.

I miss standing barefoot in the carpeted sanctuary, lights dim, body’s swaying, arms high and eyes closed. Soaking is what they call it. Absorbing music dedicated to the love of our lives. Everything they do is to make God happy. Or what they think will make God happy.

Evangelicals look at Jesus like a mascot and an icon. “Let there be no other god but me.”

However, he doesn’t mean to obsess over him and idolize him. I mean His physical body, of course.

He wasn’t his body. He is love. And if God is love then love is what you should worship. Not a statue of a lifeless hanging man on the cross. That’s an image.

WE are made in gods image, right? So he is asking us to worship the idea of loving Him through our neighbors. Through each other because God is inside of each of us. Quite literally we have the divine laced within our DNA. Google that, it goes deep.

Jesus told every person he healed to tell no one. Acts wasn’t to prove God is real. The people knew God was there. The miracles Jesus performed were to remind mankind to have hope and to believe the Lord is within reach. Close enough for even you to touch his garment. So to speak.

Now… I’m a church merch nerd. I like t-shirts with  the local church and sweatshirts with scriptures on the sleeve. I have my Jesus swag. I used to cry thinking about God during the soak sessions. Not in sadness but in deep, feeling love. The way girls at rock concerts scream out for Harry Styles.

I love Jesus. I’m a huge fan. But in all the flashing lights, I must not forget to listen to the lyrics. Receive the message then LIVE OUT the message. Don’t just put the record on repeat and keep dancing.

I want to be like Jesus and I want to work every day towards making  my life a WWJD moment. What would he do? Or would Jesus make this choice? Then why am I? Take an honest look at your own actions. We should be aspiring to be the closest version of Him that we can.

Sometimes, you can love someone or something so deeply that you blind yourself to their authentic self and only see a character to have fun with.

Stepping away from the evangelical church, I lost my groupie friends. How dedicated was I really? Without people around me that were no where near as passionate about Jesus to ge me up, would this religion thing die out? That was a scary one.

When I made the decision to leave I saw the story of Abraham and his son, play before my eyes. I sacrificed a bunch of friends, family, community I loved in order to follow the path I felt called to by God. God has paved the way.

Being in traditional Methodist and UCC churches now, Jesus’ fandom is more like a country club than a hip party. The pizzaz is gone and the deeply feeling moments are up to me to experience, quiet and alone.

My relationship with Jesus has matured over the years. Like a good marriage, settled and familiar. But like any good relationship, I do miss the fresh fire of being in love with my creator and when I get the chance, I’ll go to a worship concert and relive those feelings for a brief time.

At the end of the night, I come home to the comfortable love of someone who is growing with me and teaching me to respect and carry out His work.

Jesus reminds us that it isn’t getting a piece of Him that brings us closer to God. It’s our belief and our faith.

And suddenly, a woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years came from behind and touched the hem of His garment. For she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, “Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And the woman was made well from that hour.

Matthew 9:20

Do you have a relationship with Jesus or do you just have a t-shirt? Are you hanging on his word, or actually living it?